On the plus side, I got some free toilet rolls, and ended up with a short news piece in Convenience Store – the fortnightly for neighbourhood retailers.

Bevis O’Neill was rake-thin, with big kind eyes and a penchant for waistcoats. Never far removed from a pint of lager and a packet of fags...

It was early 1988 and for the first time in my life, I was sitting in a proper restaurant. Furthermore, I was in a right old panic.

He advised me to change my pillow covers more often. More often than what? How does he know how often I change my pillow covers?

When each story was finished, I slammed a carbon copy through the metal spike on my desk. Health & safety hadn't really caught on in 1988.